56. Dating “pain” passes more quickly when we stop loading sensations with labels

When you have thoughts that argue with reality you’ll be in pain and you’ll always lose. Reality is just what is. It’s only when we have an opinion that it should be different that we hurt. Our opinionated thoughts bring up sensations that register in our bodies. We call them emotions. They’re sensations in the body that come from our thinking not from some physical source like a cut finger, a pulled muscle or a disease.

Dating, even as seniors when we might think we’ve gone beyond teenage feelings, can still often be painful. We don’t get what we want and we hurt. We’ve been conditioned to think we know how things should be. And when they aren’t that way we suffer. The first thing we can do about that is to examine our thoughts. Are we seeing reality as it is or are we resisting what is?

When we look we see that life doesn’t go according to our opinions and wishes. It never has. It just goes as it goes and the sooner we see that reality the more we’ll enjoy life. Believing it should be our way is living in a fairy tale world. So… the woman you’re interested in doesn’t want to see you again. That’s like your hopes for a sunny day, and it rains instead. Well, that’s just the way it is. There will be other sunny days. There will be other women to be interested in.

Sometimes, though, our emotional pain gets pretty intense and we have trouble dropping the “should” and “ought” thoughts that are causing that pain. That’s when we can notice what label we’ve put on what we’re feeling. What we actually experience in our bodies at any time are simply sensations. But we slap labels on these sensations and as we do we load them down with all our past memories of what that label means. The sensation becomes a lot more painful than it is without the label.

We tell ourselves we’re feeling afraid, anxious, angry or depressed. That’s the label. But what’s the actual sensation in our body? Is the stomach in knots? Does it feel hot? Is there just an empty sensation? Without labels we’re simply being with what is. When we add a label we add all the emotions we remember from the past when we had a similar sensation. We’re then feeding the sensation with a lot of energy and thoughts that aren’t true.

Animals don’t do that. I often have a lot of squirrels in my back yard. It’s a big yard with lots of bushes and trees so neighborhood cats also like it. Sometimes a cat will spot a squirrel and the chase is on. There’s never a real contest because the squirrels are too fast. But obviously the squirrel is also running for his life.

What’s interesting is what happens when the threat is over. The squirrel will sit for half a minute or so with its tail swishing up and down in short bursts and it’s obvious the animal is releasing pent up energy. The squirrel’s nature is to live, so adrenalin pumps as it’s racing for its life. But when that adrenalin is no longer needed the squirrel shakes it out and a minute or so later he’s going about his business as if nothing happened. If that were the average human we’d be fuming and worrying for days. We’d have labels for our sensations and our minds would now have an inflated picture of what we felt and we’d be reliving the experience and the suffering a hundred times.

Next time you feel what you might normally call anxiety or fear or loneliness try just being present with the energy and sensation in your body without labeling it. When you withdraw energy from the label, which is nothing but a thought, the sensation takes its normal course and disappears. You’re like the squirrel, letting the energy take its course and pass through you. Then you’re back to simple inner happiness, just watching this mysterious life unfold and going about your business.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer