247. You'll never succeed in dealing with the ghost under the bed

Pete was 67 and Alice was a few years younger when they met. There was immediate chemistry and they began seeing a lot of each other. After a few months, however, Pete began to notice some disturbing things about Alice. She seemed to be constantly picking at him in little ways, wanting him to change. This continued and Pete became increasingly unhappy. Friends asked why he didn’t move on and meet other women and he’d say, “Because she’s so sweet. When we first met I just knew I’d met the love for the rest of my life. I don’t want to let go of the woman I know is so right for me.”

When two people first get together one or both of them are often on their best behavior. They may not be very authentic in the beginning. But then with some time they become their real selves, and sometimes that’s not so endearing. Yet people stay in bad relationships, partly because the mind is so tenacious in its belief that it’s right. It doesn’t want to admit that it fell in love with an image, not the real Alice. Yes she was wonderful when she wanted Pete and was showing her best side. But there was also the other side – the critical, judgmental, controlling side that Pete hadn’t seen until later.

It’s painful to be in a relationship that isn’t kind and we often stay because we’ve believed an illusion created only in our minds. We’re not looking deep enough to see the truth. We want to believe we’re right.

The way out of these kinds of mind-entrapments is the way out of any kind of emotional suffering – inquire within and be honest. Ask yourself, for instance, was the Alice I met the real Alice? When I now see the entire picture of who Alice is do I still want to be with her?

When you’re hurting or uncomfortable in a relationship, and if you want to know the truth about it, you have to forget being right. Holding onto old concepts is holding onto pain. Being free of pain means seeing reality as it is, not the way you wish it was or think it should be. When we stop believing our concepts and see life as it really is we can deal with reality. We can never successfully deal with false images. That’s like trying to deal with the ghost under the bed.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer