246. The way to end dating pain and suffering seems too simple, but it works

When you think of all the ways mature dating can be painful it’s no wonder that some people say they’re not interested in meeting a partner any more. They’ve been hurt too much and it’s not worth it, they say. Dating pain can range from jealousy, sadness, and anger to emptiness, disappointment, despair, and more. With all these ways to feel hurt it seems unbelievable that there could be one, simple solution that wipes every one of them away. That’s why people often say, “It can’t be this easy,” when they hear about what the sages and masters have been sharing for centuries. Sages say it’s just one misunderstanding that’s behind all emotional suffering.

That misunderstanding is basic and often hard to swallow at first. It’s this: We believe we’re living our lives and it’s actually the other way around: Life is living us. Every beat of our hearts, every move we make, every thought that pops in to wherever we think we think, is that mysterious power expressing itself through us, AS us. Not a lot of people are eager to hear this.

We can see the truth of this easily in babies and very small children. They have no ego judgments or desires because they don’t sense a separate me. They’re never unhappy unless they’re physically uncomfortable. But then around the age of two or so we all began to get a sense that “I’m separate” (you remember your kids going through the terrible twos don’t you?). From that moment on we’re in this fight to control, win, compete, interpret, and judge life.

But the basic sense of being that babies have is still our underlying essence. If you take any painful thought you have and notice that there’s got to be something separate from that thought to even know there is a thought, you’ve taken a big step. Before there is a thought we all know we are – we exist. And that beingness is aware. If someone asks, “Do you exist?” it doesn’t take a thought for us to answer, “Yes, of course.” That basic presence-awareness that sees and knows all objects, including thoughts, must be who we are in essence. That sense of beingness or isness has never changed throughout your lifetime. Ego thoughts, judgmental thoughts, self-image thoughts – all these have changed. But that sense of I-ness that is the space for thoughts to show up in has never been altered or disturbed by anything. It’s just awareness of life as it is.

Next time you have painful feelings about dating at this mature stage of life just notice that the thoughts that bring on those feelings eventually change. When we ask ourselves if we’re absolutely sure life should be the way we – at any moment – think it should be we have to say no. If we’re honest with ourselves we know we can’t answer yes to that question because so many of the thoughts and beliefs we held so firmly in the past have crumbled over time. Reality shows us we can’t really trust what we think and feel. We’ve proven that to ourselves again and again.

What we can do to date peacefully and happily is to just see life as it is. It doesn’t even take acceptance because acceptance means there would have to also be non-acceptance. Seeing life as it is doesn’t include good/bad, right/wrong, should/shouldn’t dualities because there could be no such thing until the so-called “mind” invents it. “What is” is just life, showing up moment by moment, without any suffering at all until we impose our wants on it. If you’re thinking, “This is too simple,” I don’t blame you. I only invite you to take a deep look and see for yourself.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer