13. You may manipulate and hardly know it, but the price is high

Most of us don’t think we’re manipulators when it comes to dating. But often manipulation happens in subtle ways, and it happens a lot I’ve noticed. What is manipulation, exactly? Two of the Houghton Mifflin Dictionary definitions for the word are:

1. To influence or manage shrewdly or deviously.
2. To tamper with or falsify for personal gain.

Wow, those sound pretty sinister don’t they? But in large or small ways you might notice that especially in the dating game there’s a lot "trying to influence... for personal gain." And it all comes about due to a false belief you could state in three words: “I need something.” So let’s explore that a bit deeper.

Debra, a 60-something friend of mine told me she recently went out with a guy to a fancy dinner and to the musical performance. She said something in her gut didn’t feel right about the date the whole week before. She felt she was being manipulated. Here was a man she didn’t know well at all, who was trying hard to impress her, she felt. This was “putting on the dog” in her mind.

Another friend, Kathryn, met a man who asked her out to a movie. During the movie he asked if he could hold her hand. She didn’t really want to but gave in because she didn’t want to hurt his feelings, she said.

Debra later told me she knew all week beforehand that she should have canceled the date to the opera. The price she paid was feeling exploited and maneuvered during the whole evening. The man trying so hard to make an impression did. It was just the wrong impression.

In Kathryn’s case she wanted her date to feel she was a nice person. So she held his hand even though she didn’t feel close to him. She didn’t feel good about it, but allowing hand-holding did feel better to her than to risk being considered rude. (Subtly managing the situation for personal gain - to get approval.)

In gross or subtle ways we often do things to manipulate others. Usually the intention is to gain by getting approval of some kind - appreciation, love... something. When you really look, you may find that much of your life has been spent trying to get approval and appreciation. I have a friend who was staying in her son’s home with her teenage granddaughter while her son and his wife were on a vacation. She was having a really hard time sticking to rules for the teenager who wanted to push Grandma. My friend later admitted that she didn’t want her granddaughter to be upset with her. Bingo! There it is again, that need for approval. And the manipulation? Letting Granddaughter bend the rules just a little.

The point is this: Manipulation and deceit is never necessary. Tampering with a situation to make it appear better takes a lot of energy and usually makes us miserable. What's the purpose? Is it true that we need the approval of other people? What’s the worst that would happen if we didn’t get it? It's only our conditioned beliefs and thoughts that cause us to think we “need” someone to appreciate or approve of us. What’s the reality? Would we survive without it? If Kathryn had told her date, “No, I’m really not comfortable holding hands right now,” she wouldn’t have felt the stress of doing something unpleasant for her. And her date would have gotten an honest response to his overtures.

The dates that Debra and Kathryn had weren’t a lot of fun for them. They were wary because their dates obviously wanted something from them. Maybe it was more closeness, maybe sex, it doesn’t matter. These women didn’t follow the truth within them and they paid a price. If you catch yourself subtly misleading or deceiving someone – even smiling when it feels false – you might ask yourself this question: What do I think I need that makes me want to manipulate this situation? Your answer might be: “I think I need love.” Or “I want her to think I’m a good person” for instance. Then ask yourself: Is my belief true or is it just a thought? Do I really need what I think I need? You might find being authentic and honest with yourself and your date gives you a freedom you haven’t known, and a more peaceful, happier dating life. If you don't get approval from some, that's life.