16. Red flags are flying; ignore them at your peril

Single seniors often feel the clock is running out on them. If they don’t find a romance soon it’ll be too late, they think. In my years of dating I’ve heard a number of women say, “Men want attractive women and I’m getting wrinkles; I don’t look as trim as I used to either.” They worry that they won’t be desirable. Some say they have an ache to be held and cherished and they think they need to have that to be happy. “I have so much love to give,” they say.

As a result, many older singles submerge their real nature, hoping that by giving in they’ll find the love they want. One way they do this is by not allowing themselves to see the red flags that signal “this isn’t the right person for me.” I’ve asked some people who have been in bad relationships later in life, “Did you see any red flags earlier or were you suddenly surprised when you got hit with reality?” Virtually every time the answer is, “Oh, there were lots of flags; I just didn’t want to see them.” They saw the picture they wanted to see, not the picture that was really there.

Marge was a woman I knew some years ago. She had been an opera singer in a large city, and now was a nurse. She had finally divorced her second husband after years in a marriage that was what she described as dull and lifeless. Her second husband wasn’t a bad guy at all, but they had nothing in common.

She loved beautiful music, read widely and wanted stimulating intellectual conversation. He was interested in beer and watching ball games. She later realized that she was hungry for nurturing and security when she met him and they had good sex in common. But that’s all. When I asked if she’d seen any red flags before they married she admitted they were flying all over the place. She chose to ignore them and spent many unhappy years with him. She has since met another man and is in a really happy marriage.

I have a friend, Carl, who met a woman about five years ago who was described to me as drop-dead gorgeous. Carl was star-struck. He used to tell me that she loved him so much she didn’t want him out of her sight. “Red flag” was the image that popped up in my mind, but apparently not his. Some months later they married and I lost track of Carl.

About two years later he was in touch again. The marriage had ended and he was bitter and disappointed. “My gosh,” he said, “I’m almost 60 years old. I should have known she was insanely jealous. It was so obvious when I look back. She was beautiful and I think I let that take over. Besides that, she wanted to be with me all the time and that felt good,” he was honest enough to say. During the year before Carl met this woman he had told me several times, “I’ve been single now for six years and I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life.” I think his quiet desperation fogged his vision.

In both cases these people were expecting someone else to make them happy. And when they met someone who was attentive to them they felt “this is the one.” What they apparently didn’t realize is that no one can make us happy. If we want love that has to come from us.

When we try to make others responsible for the love we long to feel we have a full time job making sure they stay in our lives the way we need them to be. We control and manipulate because we haven’t learned that we can just give ourselves what we expect them to give us. How do we do that? By stopping the frantic chase and just being ourselves for awhile. Instead of letting our thoughts tell us we need someone, we simply let those thoughts pass by while we enjoy this moment, just as it is. And in that authenticity we might be surprised to find that we attract the opposite sex because we’re so at ease with ourselves and we don’t put any pressure on them. Just Being isn’t a bad place to be!