15. Stop the “when-then” game and be happy now

Almost everyone is on a quest for something, virtually all the time. In either a subtle or gross way people usually are looking for something “over there” which also means “then”. It’s the when-then game – when I get that then I’ll be happy. Watch – really watch – your own thoughts and you might notice that’s true for you.

And then it happens, sure enough, we do get what we wanted and we are happier – for a little while. But the feeling doesn’t last very long. Then we’re back to the next when-then game.

We get the new TV and it’s wonderful, for a few days or a few hours. If it was really true that the new TV made us happy wouldn’t we be happy as long as we owned it and it was working? But we’re not. Why? Because it wasn’t the TV that made us happy. What was it then? Well, here’s a thought that might surprise you, it surprised me. We’re not happy because we got the thing we wanted. No. We’re happy because for a short time the seeking has stopped and there’s peace. It’s the natural peace that we “are” as beings when we’re not trying to control life. There’s no straining for something, no stress in always trying to get somewhere we’re not. The effort and striving is over. What a relief!

But then the mind wants more excitement and jumps in with another desire, and we’re back on the race track again. We’re like a mouse on a wheel. I’m not asking you to believe this, by the way, check it out. Look at your own experience next time you get what you wanted and see if there isn’t a relief from the struggle to attain for just a short time.

Finding love and relationship is one of the big things many older singles seek. It’s natural it seems for us to want a relationship in our later years, when the kids are gone and we’re alone. Many of us have had long marriages and we’re used to having a partner and want that again. So the search is on.

What we don’t notice, however, is that we’re usually so busy seeking appreciation and love that we don’t stop long enough to see the love that’s already here. That love is just the pure love of being, just as we are and with the world as it is. Somewhere about the age of two or so we picked up the idea that “I” am running “my” life. It’s been reinforced and conditioned in us ever since. So the idea of “me” has a long history.

But if we really devote ourselves to a little self-discovery we find that no matter how much we look, we can’t actually find a place in us that we can call “me”. We have a brain we know. We can find that. But where is this thing called me? It’s just an idea. When you really look you’ll notice there is no “you” that control “your” life. You don’t breathe yourself, you don’t beat your heart. You don’t grow your hair, digest your food and grow yourself into an adult from childhood. If we controlled our bodies would a lot of people choose to be older, or sick? If you controlled your thinking would you have unhappy thoughts?

Obviously, the control isn’t in our hands. Yet we get upset when life doesn’t go “our” way, without realizing that the “person” we think we are is just part of the landscape. So if there’s no “me” seeking a better life, what would be left? Instead of seeking and striving there would just be peace and contentment wouldn’t there? A spiritual teacher from Australia, “Sailor” Bob Adamson, has a book titled, What’s Wrong With Right Now – Unless You Think About It?

What he’s saying is that thinking always has to do with past or future. When we’re in the place people call “lost in thought” we’re really not thinking at all. We’re just being. Thinking always changes, and our emotions surge and wane accordingly. But being is just seeing that life flows through us by some unknown power, just as it flows through everything else we call nature. Seeing that, we can relax and just let it be. When a relationship happens, it happens. That’s all there is, folks!