36. Relax and be happy, you can’t make a partner appear anyway

Your dating life will get much easier when you realize you don’t have to make things happen. You don’t have to find the perfect mate, for instance. When or if the right mate is supposed to show up in our lives it will happen, just as when new buds are supposed to show up on your rose bush in the spring it happens. Not a moment too soon, not a moment too late.

Now, that may sound pretty dreary and hopeless – “the right mate will show up when he’s supposed to”. But if it does, it’s because we have the thought, “If I had a mate I could be really happy.” Remember, though, it’s only a thought that makes life unhappy for us. When you’re asleep at night, where there are no thoughts, you’re not unhappy at all are you? In fact, our natural state is just contentedness. Dreamless sleep is proof. Or think how content and satisfied you are when you’re engrossed in some activity you like. You’re just fully present, not worrying about the past or future, and the natural state is simple joy. You don’t even notice where the time went.

It turns out that it’s a lot more relaxing to just notice that Life is moving all by itself. Nature takes care of itself, and we’re part of that nature. It seems pretty clear to me that that’s what Jesus meant when he said, Why worry?, look at the birds of the air and the lilies of the field. They don’t worry and they’re perfectly taken care of. Sages of all centuries have said the same thing: you’ll have what you need when you need it.

We don’t have to try to run the show. The truth is, we don’t know how anyway. We think we make things happen but we don’t even know how to move our hand do we? We know a thought shows up, “I want to move my hand” and it moves. But we don’t know which muscles and ligaments to activate to make that happen. In fact, next time you talk to someone, even on the phone, notice that your hands are moving all the time to help you explain. Yet you’re not even conscious that it’s happening until it’s pointed out. So, are you actually moving your hand? Or is hand-moving being done through you, just like your heart is beating and lungs are breathing? Some Power beyond you seems to be taking care of it all. Is it possible that Power is also taking care of you having a partner or not?

When you think, “I need a mate” you can ask yourself, “Is that true? How do I live when I grab onto that thought, and it’s not happening?” In that case, you’re arguing with reality, and you’ll always lose. In a way it’s like saying, “I need it to be sunny” when it’s raining. You can think that all you want but you’ll just make yourself miserable. When you go along with what is – the rain, in this case – you’ll be content again. If you don’t need a partner you’ll just be able to relax and enjoy the moment on your next date. Wouldn’t that be more pleasant?

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer