40. You want love? You can stop trying so hard!

I have a good friend in her mid-60s who has always made a firm point of telling men that she was equal to them. “I’m not better than men but they’re no better than I am either,” she’d say. She told me that in her early 20s, before she married her husband, it was critical that he understand that. She also admitted he never disagreed, even though she pressed the point often. She’s now widowed, and before she gets very far in a relationship with a man, she says, she makes sure he understands that he must consider her equal.

One day we were talking and she mentioned that she felt invisible as a child. As an example she cited a time when she “ran away from home” when she was about nine or so. She lived on a large farm so running away was running down to the river, where she and her siblings safely played often, and waiting for someone to come looking for her. She was from a large family and no one came looking. She felt her mother didn’t even notice she was gone. She also concluded, at nine, that she must not be loved very much. That belief was still quite painful to her.

As we talked I asked if she wanted to question that still hurtful feeling that her mother didn’t even notice or care that she was gone. She agreed and we started going through some questions. Was it possible her mother just wasn’t going to be manipulated by her little daughter when she probably knew exactly where she was? Could she know her mom didn’t even know she was gone? Was there proof that her mother loved her? As she looked she realized her beliefs were unfounded.

She also realized there was overwhelming proof of her mother’s love for her. During our talk it became abundantly clear to my friend that she’d been unnecessarily harboring that feeling of being invisible and unworthy for more than 50 years. It was a huge relief to her to see reality instead of her “little girl” picture. And she realized she no longer had that urge to prove her equality.

What this all comes down to is that when we feel unworthy or unnoticed we’re in a a constant struggle to be recognized: “Won’t you applaud me, notice me, see how good I am or how smart I am or how pretty I am?” If you’re constantly seeking appreciation and approval from others you might question that and relieve your pain. Is that really true? Where’s your proof?

A friend of mine, a national motivational speaker, says, “The problem with us is that we compare our insides with other people’s outsides.” Isn’t that so true? We know our little niggly insecurities and sense of inadequacy. “But look at her,” we say. “She’s so confident, so strong and self-assured. I could never be like that.” But do we really know she isn’t hiding the same feelings inside that we are?

We think we’re not good enough, never quite fit in, never as attractive or funny or intelligent as someone else. Especially as we’re dating in this older stage of life we’re trying to put our best foot forward. Sometimes that can turn into pretense. It takes the form of wearing a mask and pretending to be something we’re not.

In conversation we say we agree when we don’t, or we participate in activities we don’t enjoy. “He wants to watch Sunday afternoon football? Oh, you’d love to… when you really hate the game.” Pretending and wearing a mask can only appear successful for a short time before the real you comes out, however. Then relationships crash. And we wonder why. After all, you’ve tried so hard. And that’s just the problem. You may have been been deceiving, and no one likes to be lied to, whether in words or in phony behavior.

The solution to “need for love and approval” comes down to questioning our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves, again. Question thoughts like the struggle to be equal. If you really felt equal would you have to insist on it? If you feel “less than” is that belief true? When you think you need to be with someone and need that person’s approval ask again: Do I really “need” him or her? Isn’t it painful living a lie and wearing a mask?

If you can’t just be yourself with someone are you sure you’re right for that person? You might be surprised to find your friend enjoys you much more when you stop the act and just be yourself. No pretending, no lying, no mask, no phoniness. Ask some questions and set yourself free to just enjoy the discovery of new friends as you move into dating in these later years. It’s so relaxing to just be you.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer