43. Senior dating is light, easy and fun when you don’t believe your painful thoughts

The way to happiness and ease in dating as a senior is pretty much the same as the way to happiness and ease in any aspect of life and at any age. The focus on senior dating here is only because as I began to date again after my wife’s death I realized quite soon how much hurt there was in the process for so many people. Strangely enough there’s a simple way out of that emotional pain, a way of seeing life that sages and wise men and women through the centuries have pointed to.

That way is to just see clearly that life lives itself by itself without the need for input from us. Life doesn’t ask for our advice and if you’ve noticed, it doesn’t take it when we offer. When we begin to see that we’re not a separate entity unto ourselves we also can begin to see that we’re simply part of the happening that life is. We’re another one of the objects that appear as this world, in other words. We know we’re present or that we exist, and that presence we are is the same presence we were when we were two days old, in our teens and today. Our bodies have changed, our thoughts and beliefs have all changed through the years, but the pure essence that we are has never changed. No one can say I’m not. And we don’t have to think to know that we are, that we exist. It’s a knowing that doesn’t need thought.

So where does all this emotional pain and struggle and worry come from? It comes from thoughts only. And the thoughts are mere appearances in this pure awareness or knowingness that we are. Now, if you’re still with me this far I know this is confusing stuff if it’s new to you. So to keep it simple I’d suggest, if you’re interested, that you just see that life happens. This is it and that’s all there is. It’s never going to get better because it doesn’t need to get better. If we don’t impose thoughts on what’s happening there is no such thing as “better” or “worse”. Those are just judgments from one person’s viewpoint. To an American terrorists are terrible. To a terrorist Americans are terrible. Clearly, “terrible” is a judgment we’ve imposed, depending on our stance isn’t it?

What’s all this have to do with dating at this later stage of life? Just this. Even though by this age we’ve been conditioned for quite a few years to think that we need to run life, that idea can be dropped in an instant if we want to look honestly and see reality as it is.

When we simply allow life to be what it is, and notice that we’re not running the show, the drama and trauma are over. Life then becomes light, easy, effortless and an interesting mystery. Not only are we not running the life show, we’re also not running this show called “my” life. If you look, breathing, heart-beating, hair-growing, digestion and all thoughts happen by themselves. Even if you think you could do a better job of breathing than nature is doing, try it. Within a minute or so you’re out of wind and struggling because you don’t know when to breathe.

It’s that way with all of life. It works better when we let the Infinite do what it’s doing. Thoughts pop up and we think we brought them forth and therefore they’re important. When you examine it, though, your thoughts just appeared. “You” don’t need them for life to go on just fine. Your deep sleep is the simplest example. You’re not thinking, yet life is taking care of you just fine. We see that ­presence, with no need for thought, happens regularly. We just don’t notice. We all have times every day when we’re totally engrossed in something, whether it’s a project, making love or watching a sunset. We’re so deeply involved that there’s just life going on and then suddenly thoughts show up and we notice we’re there.

What’s the bottom line of this conversation? Just this: To live lightheartedly as you date just be a witness to life instead of trying to control it. When thoughts come, let them pass on through, which is what they all do eventually anyway. If you notice you’re hurting emotionally look to see what you’re believing in that moment. Then stop. Stop and question: Is this thought true (Jeff should have called me as he promised.)? Do I know for sure that my way is better than what is? Who would I be without my belief – if I just see what life is (including Jeff)? You’re the presence and awareness that allows thoughts to show up, much like the screen allows the movie to show up. And you can live life as that screen, pure and unaffected by the movie. Don’t be the drama and trauma of the movie and you’ll find life is just a magic happening – delightful, easy and fun.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer