38. If you loved me you'd do what I want

I have an acquaintance who’s been married many years, and he and his wife have a nice arrangement when it comes to their own interests. One example is that she likes the ballet and symphony; he doesn’t. So she goes to those functions and he stays home or does other things. It isn’t an issue for either of them and they both seem to recognize that in this area they’re different. They simply honor the difference.

That seems to be rare, though, and I’ve been surprised at the number of more mature singles I’ve known who have specific expectations to be fulfilled by any mate they connect with. The potential mate is expected to participate in his family’s Christmas gatherings, for instance, or to be alongside as she attends workshops. Though they may not be worded this way, the expectations is, “If you love me you’ll do what I want.” People say things like, “Well, that’s just what partners do when you have a good relationship,” or “I went to the opera with her, now the least she can do is go cross-country skiing with me.”

When your relationship includes those kinds of expectations you’re not talking about love. If you really love someone don’t you want them to be happy? And wouldn’t that entail their doing what they want? Of course if you want your partner to do something with you or for you, by all means ask. But your freedom to ask means your partner also has the freedom to say no. A “no” doesn’t mean someone doesn’t love you. Maybe your partner loves you enough to be honest with you, so there won’t be resentment later. Also, your partner could come right back at you with, “If you loved me you wouldn’t want me to do something I dislike.” The road runs both ways doesn’t it? Freedom always works; coercion and guilt never do, in the long run. Notice how you feel when you attempt to persuade your dating partner with guilt. That’ll tell you whether it works for you or not.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer