41. Smile - he was supposed to deceive you, it’s the reality of life

Sally went to a coffee shop to meet Joe, a man she’d been corresponding with by email after having connected with him on an online dating service. She had described the red coat she’d be wearing and shortly a man came in, glanced around and headed for her table. “You must be Sally,” he says. And he must be great-grandpa Joe! Sally is shocked. He’s at least 15 years older than his photo and the age he reported. Sally had been duped. I met a woman from an online contact once who still runs the same photo online, and she must be at least 20 or 25 years older than that photo, no exaggeration. Because you’re a senior in this dating game you may feel that by this age people won’t be deceptive. The reality is, it happens. So since these articles are about having more fun with the adventure of dating, let’s look at this scene and see if we can take the heat out of it.

Sally can get angry and hostile toward Joe, or toward the whole dating situation for that matter. If she does, who suffers? She could blame Joe for her anger. But let’s face it, Joe was just being Joe. Another way to view it though is to simply recognize that it happens. It’s the reality. How do you know it’s supposed to happen? It does, just like the way you know it’s supposed to be raining when it is. Reality is just “what is”. When we don’t interpret it or judge it or fight it we just notice what an interesting life we all lead. You can call that Pollyanna thinking if you like. I call it realism and common sense. And oh, peaceful and happy, by the way.

The theme I hope is running through all these articles on senior dating is this: It’s never the person or situation that’s the cause of pain for anyone. It’s always our thoughts about it. And that’s good news because it means you don’t ever have to hurt emotionally because of what someone does or says. What you can realize, if you feel betrayed by someone, is that you can always question your own thoughts and get back to peace.

Quite simply it works like this: Joe lied to Sally about his age before they met. Was he supposed to have lied? Sure, because he did. “But that’s wrong,” you say. Yes, according to what we’ve been taught it seems that way. But we’ve been taught to think we’re supposed to get what we want rather than simply accept reality as it is. Was Joe supposed to have lied? We’re taught to automatically think, No. But what’s the reality, did he? Yes. And is that part of the reality of life, that people lie sometimes? Yes. Have you ever lied yourself? (I’m going to guess the answer is yes.) So Joe is just doing what you’ve done yourself. What’s the difference?

We’re not in charge of life, and when we think we are or should be, we immediately suffer. You go out to get in your car one day and you’ve got a flat tire. Do you swear at the car and kick the tire? Or do you just sigh momentarily and get the tire changed? To the extent that you’re angry you’re insane aren’t you? Maybe you don’t think the tire should be flat. But does that tire care? No. Are the stars in the heavens going to move because of your anger? Of course not. Consider it part of life when you own a car. And Joe? He lied to you. So what? Consider it part of life when you’re dating. Or you could sell the car, or stop dating. It’s all about your thinking.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer