37. The right question leads to dating happiness, the wrong one to pain

One reality we all see as we’re dating in our senior years is that our bodies aren’t as vital and spunky as they used to be, and we know that decline will continue. Of course that brings up what I’ve heard a lot, and I’ll bet you have too, “I want to find a partner because I don’t want to go through my later years alone. Time is getting shorter, I’m not getting any younger, and I don’t have as much to offer as I used to have.”

The underlying question is: How can I find a partner soon? It’s a nagging question that can haunt you. The problem is that it’s based on the assumption that I’m supposed to have a partner now. In other words, the question is the wrong one and it leads us down a painful path. Rather than, “How can I find a partner?” a more basic question that points you to reality would be, “I think I’m supposed to have a partner right now – is that true?” Since “what is”, or reality, is always true you know the answer. Look at it this way: It’s raining outside. How do we know it’s supposed to be raining? It is. “What is” always takes first place, and it doesn’t care whether we agree or not. It just is. In fact, can you even be sure there’s a “me” there to agree or disagree? We have ideas of a “me” but no one seems to find one when they really look. With no “me” to judge, all so-called problems are solved.

In the case of your finding a partner, you’re not supposed to have found one yet. How do you know? You don’t have one. That’s it. That’s what is. It can sound harsh but do you really know having a partner now would be best for you? Do you want to argue with reality and be miserable, all the while still not having a partner? Or do you just want to see that reality is what it is, and live a life without problems? It’s just like seeing there’s no water in the mirage. You don’t fight it, you simply see reality and don’t expect water there again.

While we give energy to a future that’s just a myth in our heads, we suffer and we don’t get to live the now that’s here. This moment is all there ever is. “Future” and “past” are just thoughts, and they only show up right now. When we’re in pain because we think we need a partner and don’t have one, we’ve lost any joy of the moment. And it’s all because we believed our thoughts when we could have questioned their reality.

For just a moment let yourself feel how you’d be without the thought: “I need a partner.” Just really feel that for a moment. Isn’t there a relaxation and an inner ease when you’re not trying to control life? Do you suppose it’s possible we’re not supposed to be trying to control life and instead just noticing that we’re “being lived”? If you just watched your dating life unfold, without thinking you have to control it, do you think it could just be a fun adventure?

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer