164. When you have to coax him for a compliment is it meaningless?

Women are different from men. Have you noticed? I’m joking; of course you have. Physically it’s easy to notice the many differences between men and women. On a mental and emotional level there are also huge differences but they’re not so easy to see and it’s common for us to overlook them. Men think women see things the way they do, and vice versa. Many books are available on the subject.

They usually focus on how we can change ourselves and be more perceptive. I’d like to talk, instead, not about changing the person we think we are but about seeing life as it is, without our judgments and stories. The other day I had a conversation with a friend and the subject of compliments about dress came up. Women like to be told they look nice, and often men don’t even think about saying something. A woman might think if he cared he’d tell her but he honestly doesn’t notice.

I remember when my wife was alive and we’d visit someone’s house for the evening. On the way home she’d say something like, “How did you like that wall paper in their dining room?” I’m struck dumb. “What? What wall paper? I didn’t notice wall paper. Heck, I didn’t even notice there was a wall there.” She’d be incredulous: “You mean you didn’t even notice that pretty lavender wall paper?” No, the truth is, I didn’t.

Because women often don’t seem to get the compliments they’d like to hear regarding how they look or how well they’ve accomplished something, they sometimes throw out hints. If the guy is perceptive enough to pick them up (and she can’t begin to understand if he isn’t!) he might give her the compliment she’s seeking. More than once I’ve heard a woman in such a situation say, “Well, I had to coax it out of him so it couldn’t have been sincere. If I have to ask for it, it doesn’t really mean anything.”

But does she really know he doesn’t care and that his compliment isn’t sincere? The ego is so subtle and so needy of praise and approval that we often don’t even notice that our hurt is only based on our own belief about how things are and how they should be. Our beliefs often have little or nothing to do with reality. It’s important to remember that every single time we suffer in a relationship it’s because we’ve made a judgment. We’ve looked at some situation and decided it shouldn’t be the way it is. We judge that it should be our way instead.

Joe gives Sally a compliment. Even if she had to ask for it, can she know for sure that he didn’t mean it when he finally was reminded to notice? If she thinks it’s insincere does she know for sure that he sees life the way she does and what’s obvious to her is also obvious to him?

If you notice yourself suffering emotionally in any way, in any circumstance, there’s a simple solution. Just ask yourself, “Am I sure I know how this should be?” If you get to the depths of that question – if you see that you probably don’t absolutely know how the universe should be working or what it means when your guy or gal doesn’t do or say what you want or expect, you’ll notice your emotional hurt disappears. It disappears because it was only based on your resistance to life as it is. No more resistance and Voila! no more pain.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer