163. Blame is gone when you realize "I'm responsible for all my feelings"

The "he said/she said" game is pretty common when it comes to dissension and disagreement in dating relationships. It’s a pretty easy scene to fall into. Some problem comes up and an argument starts. Often within a few minutes someone says, “Well, you started it when you said….” Then the other says something like, “Yes, but before that you said….” And the blaming begins.

But have you ever considered that blaming can only occur when we feel the other person is responsible for our feelings? As soon as we judge the other person and think it’s their fault that we’re unhappy, we’re doomed to fail in any communication. When I see clearly that only I can choose my feelings the whole picture regarding my date or partner changes. Without judgment and blame I don’t need to be hurt or angry with you at all because you’re just being who you are, and it has nothing to do with me.

I may see that you’re very different from me and therefore we shouldn’t spend time together, and that’s no problem. Oh sure, there may be some disappointment initially because you thought this was a person you’d enjoy. But there’s no sense of retribution, no sense that you hurt me, no sense of dislike for you. Just the recognition that we’re different. And what’s wrong with that?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer