165. Could it be that happiness exists when we stop seeking it?

Have you ever noticed that nearly everyone thinks if they get something more they’ll be happy? More money, more power, more status, a new relationship – if I had this I’d be happy. On close investigation we see that getting more isn’t the answer. If it was we’d still be happy from the things we got earlier that made us happy then – for a short time. If more money made us happier then the richer we got the happier we’d be. The wealthiest on earth would be the happiest.

What does actually make us happy if it isn’t getting more? Strangely enough the sages have been teaching forever that the end of seeking reveals the happiness that’s already our true nature. It’s just been waiting for us to notice. A Chinese spiritualist and philosopher of many centuries ago, Chuang-Tzu, put it this way: “Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness.”

Seeking and striving by its very nature tells us that we’re not happy with what is right now. So seeking, itself, is unhappiness. The subject of this blog is senior and mature dating. We just assume that the purpose of dating is to find a partner and therefore more happiness. So does it make sense for me to quote some ancient philosopher about not seeking? What I’ve seen in my own experience is that it does, and here’s why.

Every time I’ve tried to get something more I notice that I feel stress. Thoughts swirl around: what steps do I need to take? how can I make this happen? which way do I need to turn? can I do more, can I do it faster or better? oh, I’ve got what I think I want; now how do I keep it? Those thoughts don’t produce peaceful, happy feelings.

Yet in the 12 years since my wife died I’ve dated quite a lot. I continue to date and I continue to enjoy the company of a woman. In those earlier dating years I was striving. Now that I’ve grown spiritually and see the reality of life, dating for me is quite different. It’s just part of the natural flow of “my” life and I enjoy it for what it is. I can never know that finding a partner would really make me happier. We all know relationships can sometimes be pretty confusing and painful. So having a partner may bring me suffering, I just don’t know.

What I do know is that the infinite intellegence energy of the universe (call it God or whatever word suits you) knows what it’s doing as it exists and lives through everything that is – including you and me. If we’re supposed to date and find a partner that’ll happen. With that realization dating can be done without striving and stress, without seeking a future. It can be its own reward, just like dancing or listening to music is its own reward.

Life will continue to unfold as it always has. Without striving and struggling for what we feel we don’t have, we’re already happy. There’s an ease and contentment in not thinking we have to run the show and control events and circumstances. What’s left when we give up the judgments and give up thinking life has to be “my way” is happiness. It’s our natural state, and we live in that state every moment that our focus is on just being in the now of life rather than on the central character we think we are, with all its “shoulds” and “oughts” and wants and desires.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer